Culture Shock and The Messy Struggle

I have been told for months that reverse culture shock can be worse than the initial shock I experienced in India. I am here to verify the truth of this statement. Culture shock has hit and is in full force and it SUCKS! It's weird too because I have never felt so blessed and so loved. My community in California is nothing but loving and wonderful. So I can honestly say that I am doing great and at the same time I am a huge messy struggle. This weekend was kind of an ultimate low for me (eating dinner by myself in my car in the parking lot of Starbucks and going for a run and ending up laying in the grass crying for half an hour). Let me just say I am glad this weekend is over!

I am in a new season of finding my identity. I find that having been a missionary in a different country and having a heart for different nations and for lost people kind of makes you a social outcast and makes people really intimidated by you. You should hear the silence that follows when I tell people about my job and my heart. I get a lot of blank stares. I have never felt so much like an alien and not of this world as I have recently.

I can be honest and tell you that I wish that I was just a normal college graduate purusing the American dream. I wish I could take back the poverty and lostness that I have seen and experiened. Ignorance is bliss. Right? Now, I am held accountable to this knowledge. Sometimes I am embarrassed to even call myself a missionary. I hate the "M" word. It's a social killer. I am struggling with my passions and to know what to do with them and how to share them with people who just don't have a clue about God's global purposes and His heart for the nations.

I am also struggling with my identity as a single person. I would like to think that I am not one of those girls that has to be married. BUT I have never had such a season of complete loneliness. I spend most of my time alone these days, which most of you know, I HATE being alone. It's scary to think as I walk in the next season of obedience that I do it completely alone and without support! I am struggling with really understanding and knowing that Jesus is ENOUGH. Pray that I can honestly say this...right now, I am asking that He will be enough.

I am also struggling in my professional identity. What do I want to be when I grow up? Who am I? What is it that God is calling me to? Moving back overseas? Missions mobilization? Seminary? Professional grad school? Inner-city work? California? Texas? And as I make this decision and walk in obedience is this something I am prepared to follow alone as a single woman? A partner in ministry would be AWESOME!

I am also struggling in my personal identity. For the first time in my life, I don't have a sense of belonging. I don't have a group of women that are my ladies. I have lots of amazing friendships here but I have them through friends of friends. Does that make sense? Pray that God would provide some women to love me and bring me into their circle.

I understand that this post is kind of a "Debbie Downer" post. I am not writing for attention but rather asking for your prayers. I am really struggling! I know that I need the Lord to really work in my life and honestly, I just want to be real with my struggles and lay them out there. I feel like God is calling me to a season of intense discipline and honestly I am fighting it. I am pretty big messy struggle... and would really just covet your prayers for me!!

The Prayer Specifics-
-Discipline
-joy to be back- i find i have been pretty boring and serious these days
- a sense of belonging and a group of women to be in fellowship with
- I would find my identity in Christ FIRST