God's PROVISION has been a consistent theme in my life over the last nine months. As most of you know, I lost my job in August which kind of threw me into a financial downward spiral and also into a bit of a loss of identity in ministry and God's plan.
God's first initial provision came in the form of unemployment insurance. Since August, His provision has come in little packages such as random large checks, checks coming that were some how more than they have should been, friends that let me borrow, etc...you name it and God did it on my behalf. Despite the fact that I make less than I actually owe in bills, I have always been able to pay my bills and live. Get this: somewhere in the midst of working 2 jobs that makes less than what I collect on unemployment, God has provided for me to pay off all my credit card debt and have money in my savings. What?! I know. God crazy provides. On top of all of this, I have a place to live in Houston that is practically free. Movement. People have always told me that when you have to trust God for finances it just works, that it doesn't make sense, but somehow He just provides. I never understood people that said this, now I do. The best part of His provision is that He does it in such a way that I can't help but acknowledge His hand in providing.
The fun part about God's provision is that it's not always monetary. In January, he provided me with this new direction to become church staff. His provision has come in the form of a new ministry and a new identity that I would not have been able to have unless the other was taken away. His provision has also been an evident sign of His movement in my life. Its the wind beneath my sail that I need to trust for the unknown.
In God's provision, I have wondered, "Why do I deserve this?". I mean I have been struggling to tithe, I haven't been fully trusting when I should, and I have been struggling to have the "perfect" walk with God. The spiritual giant in me was slain awhile ago. Why do I deserve this? I haven't always been a good steward of the little things. Why provide?
Then tonight in small group we were talking about what Christ accomplished on the cross and how that translates to us as a gift. The problem is that many days, I operate off the wrong kind of gospel. I think that my own self-righteousness grants me favor with God. That when I do this spiritually awesome thing that God can then somehow bless me in ways that blow my mind. Most days I feel like I need to purchase my salvation instead of basking in the reality that Christ already purchased my salvation and my good standing before Christ.
All this to say, I was released from the lie that God's provision for me is based on my own merit or my own self-righteousness, but rather out of his love and grace for me despite sin or poor stewardship. Grace is just one of those mysterious things that we can hope to grasp, but mostly seek after because of the beauty of the chase.
So tonight, as I write this, I am basking in the gift of the gospel in my life and what his death accomplished on my behalf.
PS. I don't say all of this to say how awesome God is blessing me, but rather to gush His praises and His ability to give good gifts to His children. I just couldn't keep silent any longer cause His provision has been tripping me up. To Him be the Glory.
