On Becoming A Mother

Just to clear the air.  I am not pregnant. That is not my dark corner (see previous post).  And the only children that I have are spiritual and they are scattered around the world- mostly in India.  But in January, when Curtis Jones asked me to uproot myself and move to Houston, I became pregnant with a new vision.  A vision to mobilize, send, and equip people to be on mission in both my new city of Houston and the world through Bayou City Fellowship.

While living in California and walking in the "land of in-between" I had lots of time to think about what this vision, this new job, this new city, this new community could/would be/become.  I wondered why I was fit to be the one to carry and raise up this vision.  But I guess no one feels ready to be a mom, right?  I wondered if I would like it, if I would be any good at it, or if I would even be a good carrier of this vision.  

But God has given this baby to me.

My first thought is... God is just plain crazy.

Then His Spirit reminds me, He's sovereign and He uses the idiots of the world to accomplish His will.

My second thought is... that there is someone more competent or better equipped.

Then His Spirit reminds me, that my life's journey is a testimony of preparation for this moment.

My last thought is... Lord you have to give me favor, use all of me, let me be significant.

Then His Spirit reminds me, He will be faithful because He is jealous for His fame and His glory.

You would think peace is what should follow but no, mostly just fear.  

The type of fear that is good.

That keeps you making good/wise chooses. That pushes you towards significance.

But also the kind that if you let it, it will cripple you and paralyze you.

Then it finally happened.  I moved, uprooted, relocated and...

I became a mother. 

(Holy Crap!)

Fast forward to August, I finally got to meet "Bayou City Fellowship" meaning the core group of people that had been faithfully meeting to help build this church.  My first feeling was intimidation.  And my first thoughts were..."these people are awesome, how can I lead them?!"  And for the past couple of months, I have been living in this land of intimidation. A lot fearful and a lot scared. And a lot of having no no idea what I am doing. I imagine it's similar to the feelings parents experience when they hold their baby in their hands for the first time and realize you are primarily responsible for them.  With God's help of course, but definitely your responsibility.   

But this week, I was reminded that leaders lead people through their own fear and it's okay. Donald Miller wrote a blog post sharing his thoughts on leadership.  (you need to click this link...it's worth the 3 minutes it will take you to read it.)  

These are a few quotes that I loved in the article...

"...sometimes leading just means being out front, going to the places very few people are willing to go. But the cool thing about leaders is they show the rest of us that the path is scary but ultimately safe."

 " If you’re a leader, just know you’re supposed to be a little afraid. And you’re supposed to be taking some people with you. And nobody can actually kill you in this thing. All they can do is yell boo. Be brave."

So friends, God gave me a baby or rather a vision and a space to lead others to be missional. And I am the good kind of terrified.  I will probably make mistakes and I have a lot of learning to do, but I have never loved something more.  

Movement

At the core of who God created me to be, I am a mobilizer. I love to come alongside people and help them move one step forward.  I have a reputation in ministry for my encouraging yet challenging tone to those God has given me stewardship.  There have been seasons in life where experiences or people have mobilized me and caused my previously stagnant life to be filled with fluid movement that rewarded me with great joy, purpose, and significance.  This joy layered with God's faithfulness has caused me to long for movement in my own life.  And even more so, it has produced in me a desire to mobilize others and to see supernatural movement in other's lives.

But what happens when I (Alicia) become immobile?

Satan has this clever and unique ability to take the God-given gems that he has given us and distort them to use against us.  Because I am a mobilizer, Satan can have victory in my life by making me paralyzed.  Paralyzed to move. And my honesty will share with you that I am in a current season of paralysis.  

Yesterday, I was having lunch with my pastor's wife and through our conversation I realized how clearly  Satan had been accusing me of so many things in my personal life that were the root of my current paralysis.  He has accused me of so many things from laziness, to ugliness, to  lack of spiritual maturity, to convincing me that I am the last person on the planet that is equipped for my job at Bayou City Fellowship. It wasn't until sharing all the things that I was struggling with that this theme of accusation became so clear.  And that my feelings of lack of worth and position in Christ was less about me and more about Satan's accusations against me.  Satan has been working over-time in his accusations towards me and sadly I have believed every single accusation. The result has been paralysis and stagnancy. He's sooo very clever. If he can paralyze me, then I am noneffective and not living in truth.  Yet, the TRUTH  is that Christ purchased with His own blood,  all of my sin and shame and He accuses me of nothing!

Yesterday evening, I also had the joy of sitting with a new sister Crista, and share my entire life story and all my dark corners and all the accusations that Satan has been holding over me. There is such freedom in Truth and bringing light to dark corners.There is freedom in accountability and letting people know you.  Today, I feel so much freedom.  I feel movement and fluid leaking back in my bones. I feel joy and purpose returning.  And I am un-threatened by the accusations, even today, that Satan has thrown in my direction. Victory.

There is no more freedom and joy than what we can find in the gospel (life, death, burial, and resurrection) of Jesus Christ.  He paid it all.

What are the God-given gifts or things in your life that Satan has distorted to use against you?  I pray that you can find truth in Victory today.

I am ready to meet Her.

This Sunday is the big day.
The day that Bayou City Fellowship opens it's door to the city of Houston for the first time.
I couldn't be MORE excited.

I can't wait to meet our church.
We have been talking and preparing, and flirting with the idea of Her for so long.
But on Sunday, the Blind date expectations will be over.
We will get to meet our church finally.
She will be beautiful.

We will get to know what She looks like.
Who She will attract.
What She can accomplish around the globe and in our city.
Whose lives She will transform.
What She will be most passionate about.

But more importantly, I am ready to get my hands dirty.
I am ready to grow in love with Her more than I already do.
I am ready to serve Her.
I am ready to give my life to Her.

Bayou City Fellowship, I can't wait to meet you!
I know you won't disappoint!

Impressions as of late

I can't believe that I have lived in Houston for over a month now.  I know many people have been asking for an update or wanting to know how life has been in my new city and in my new role as a church planter.  Life honestly is normal and not flashy.  I am adjusting to living alone, eating lots of meals in different people's homes, serving lots of coffee, and navigating my new city with my GPS in hand.  I am this sick human in the fact that I see my adjustment as very academic and can predict my own stages of culture shock.  I had kind of a rough lonely week at about week 3, but knew it was about that time of my adjustment and that it should happen and that it would pass. However, these are some impressions or thoughts that I have had along the way.

1. Living with Andy and Corey is like taking a class in home ec and wood shop 101.  They make quite the pair.    Andy is quite the handy man (saws, air guns, routers, and work benches) and Corey is quite creative crafty (glue, paint, stain, signs, and the perfect eye).  Their weekends home have been spent building tables and signs for the opening of our church.  They let me help out and it makes me dig deep into my creative side.  I am still loving living with them on the weekends, they are one of my biggest blessings.

2. I find myself on my new churches website ALL THE TIME.  I am obsessed with seeing fruit of something tangible of what God is doing and somehow I just keep ending up there.  There seems to be something new added everyday.  Today we got a link for online giving!  

3. The men at my church have made an impression on me.  It has been awesome to see so many men who are loving their wives, parenting, established in their careers, and helping build the church.  No bans here. 

4. I have had the joy of hearing different families stories of how God called them to plant Bayou City Fellowship. It has been beautiful to see a God who is on the move, rearranging lives, and moving people towards mission.

5. I have never been so honored to serve under a pastor who understands missional living and will be relentless to teach it from the pulpit.  

6. Our church has not had to raise any money thus far for our church plant.  How crazy is that?!  Another handprint of God's faithfulness.

7. I have visibly seen the body of Christ working together to be the Church.  It takes a lot of amazing gifts and talents both spiritual and tentmaking.  It has been awesome to see each person contribute their piece to the puzzle that is building this church... from budgets, to coding websites, to leading worship, to becoming a business, to everything.  The body working together is beautiful and I have a tangible lived out example that it will forever mark this season of life for me.

8. I haven't  been excited about ministry and what God can do through the Church in my entire life.  I am excited for the days to come.

9.  Starbucks for some reason decided to tell me I would get full-time hours, but in fact has been only giving me 20.  So I am kind of in a pickle.  Trying to see about transferring, but don't want to.  So we shall see.

10.  I am kind of bored these days.  I should probably be busier, but life is just simple right now.  No school classes or homework, no trips to San Francisco, a very small but growing community, and trying to manage my time that is free for something productive.  I fight lazyness and the heat.