Contentment STRUGGLE

I have been struggling with contentment in my singleness.
I have no idea what God is doing with my life, yet I know He is faithful and worthy of my trust.
I know that God is training me for the next step, and I daily take another step with blind faith.
But if I were to be completely honest, I can say that I am barely hanging on by a thread.
Some days I have random freak-out moments and wonder if I will be another one of those 30 year old single females faithfully serving the Lord.
Who is going to take care of me when I am older? Will I ever have kiddoes? Will I always be relocating and making new people in my city my family? Will God ever provide a family that is mine? I know God is faithful but man I am struggling with it.
This week, I found out the man I was dating just 8 short months is now engaged. I can't help but wish that was me and wondering why it didn't work out. It's weird to think that could've been me, but God wants me to be single right now. UGH! The only thing that has kept me sane this week is praying for them and their lives together. I know that God will be glorified through their relationship because of the man my ex-boyfriend is. And honestly, I am excited for them and what God has in store for their lives. However, I can't help but question why God didn't let it finally be my turn. Why? This has been my struggle for the past 8 months. It's not that I am struggling with being with a specific person, more just positionally regarding singleness.
So here I am, 26, single, and married to my grad programs and hoping for a glimpse of what is ahead, but in a lot of ways scared that what is ahead is a lonely path because of my obedience and commitment to the Lord.
I have seen God's hand always in the decisions and paths in my life and therefore, I put my faith in him completely. I mean really this is the only thing I can do. And to be completely honest, I have seen God's hand in my singleness in that He is faithful to answer my prayers to give and take-away. So I know He is at work despite the season of life. Some days it's just hard being that 26 year old independent female and that is what is wieghing heavy on my heart this evening that I can't concentrate to do my LARGE homework assignment that is due tomorrow.

God, I long for contentment that is only in YOU. I ask that my heart would be transformed to yours and that you would take my desires and replace them with yours because you are WORTHY.

Blessed

This past week of work was CRAZY, yet filled with so much joy. We delivered acceptance letters to over 400 students at CBU inviting them to take part in our 2010 overseas teams. There was such great excitement and energy in the treehouse. I was also reminded what a huge step of faith it is for many of our students to go on overseas teams. There was a girl who I watched walk down the hall after receiving her letter, walking slowly, taking deep breaths, and preparing herself for the news if she would be selected to serve on an International Service Projects team. It was a great personal reminder of what huge steps of faith students are taking to be obedient and to share their faith. And I wonder how radically God is going to shake this girls worldview of who He is and reveal to her the heart He has for the nations He created. Her world is never going to be the same after this summer. I am constantly being challenged with the philosophy of what I do and why I do it. I currently am dedicating my life to training, equipping, mobilizing, and sending students all over the globe on short-term missions teams. Many people argue that sending short-term teams are a waste of time and resources, and the work accomplished is not always effective. Tonight, I was reminded why it IS worth it. I sat with 5 students tonight who have committed to going overseas long-term within the next two years. It was because of their short-term experience that they are going again and choosing to live a life of missional living. That is the end goal of why I do what I do. I am starting my third year of working in mobilization and have had the privilege of seeing many students go and serve.
Just to name of few....

Aimee is serving currently in South Korea teaching English
Ryan is serving in Suriname as a j-man
Brie is serving in Belgium as a j-man
Stephanie is teaching English in China
Aimee is serving in Cambodia
Jenny is serving a semester in Chile
Krista is serving in West Africa
Charlie and Corrie are teaching English in the Middle East
Aaron is serving in the Middle East
A different Aaron served in South Korea as an English teacher and recently came back after getting married (see you can serve overseas and not be stuck single!)
Kimberlee is the process to serve as a j-man and several more like her in the pipeline!!!

I will never know what kind of eternal impact these students are having for the Kingdom, but I am just thankful that in God's graciousness towards me that He let me have a role in these students' lives. I am truly blessed to be a part of such a great work in the lives of college students!! GOD IS GOOD.

Thankful

Tonight, I backed into a truck in the parking-lot. Not my most glorious moment. I am fine but my car now has a little bit more character and personality then it had before. I walked away annoyed with myself, but oddly enough pretty thankful. I was thankful for two reasons. First for the body of Christ because my friend Dave came to the rescue. Dave is my California dad who bails me out or protects me when I need a male presence. Since I met him in India over three years ago, his family has always been a blessing to me in so many ways. I also found myself really thankful for the police. This semester, I have spent a lot of time studying different countries and their infrastructure and systems. And one of the most important thing needed for a countries success as a state is for the people to feel safe and the ability to force law. I know that the US police system can be corrupt; however, I was not at all afraid to call the police. I knew that they would not ask for a bribe, that they would deliver the necessary service, and that I would be dealt with in a respectable manner. This is not true for the majority of the world. Most of the world would do everything they could to not involve the police because they are corrupt, abuse their power, and instill fear in the people. So the fact that I was relieved to know that he called the police to deal with our situation is a unique privilege I hold as an American citizen. So I walked away thankful.

Top 3% of the World

My professor kept repeating over and over again this weekend, "You are in the the top 3% of the most educated people in the WORLD because you are pursuing your masters degree." Top 3%. She always said this with so much weight and responsibility. I can't quite wrap my mind around this statistic...still processing the implications this statistic has for my life.

Behold, I Make All Things New

I just completed my first graduate class for my Intercultural Studies degree called "Organizational Systems Of Society." It is one of my top favorite 3 classes that I have had thus far in my academic career. The class was about the reality of the world in which we live and how utterly screwed up (I wish i could insert much stronger language here) the world (especially Africa) really is. It is the most depressing class, without competition, I have ever taken. We grappled with realities of the world, that as an American are not my reality, such as: human trafficking, world hunger, child soldiers, failed states, the bottom billion, conflict, war, genocide, and many other things that plague the world. I am now informed and bothered by the horrific things happening in the world that seem to have no easy or hopeful solutions. The depressing fact is that there really aren't any quick-solutions for the human family. Peace is something that is sought after but very rarely ever found. My rose-colored glasses are removed and I am left with a lot of cynicism. However, after this class, I have a new longing for REDEMPTION that ONLY Jesus Christ can provide. All day today, I was plagued by the phrase in Revelation, "I have come to make all things new..." This is the hope that I cling to tonight, that one day Jesus Christ will RESTORE and REDEEM His creation! I have a deepened understanding of the immense beauty and necessity of restoration and redemption. Christ is the only Hope for the world. My hope can be found in no other, and for HIM I give my life, my time, and my devotion.

The passage below is BEAUTIFUL and gives me hope...

Revelation 21:1-8
"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband; and I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling of God is with men. He will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself will be with them; he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away." And he who sat upon the throne said, "Behold I make all things new." Also he said, "Write this, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the fountain of the water of life without payment. He who conquers shall have this heritage, and I will be his God and he shall be my son. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the polluted, as for murderers, fornicators, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their lot shall be in the lake that burns with fire and sulphur, which is the second death."

I hope to post more of my thoughts about this class in the upcoming weeks. I have been grappling with things such as war, the US' role in the world, and many other things that I hope to share as I begin to really process what I really did learn and take-away from this class.